An honest letter

Dear Alcohol

This is a letter i have been meaning to write for a long while, I need to express sincerely my feelings towards you. It will be harsh but honest. It s time for you to know. I HATE YOU! I wish i  never ever met you, that you never entered my life.  As a kid I already knew that you were bad, especially when you were hanging out with my mother! You almost fucked up my family! Thank god my mother was stronger and she was able to break up with you and forever.
I never thought that we would meet again, but we did. At first we had fun, hanging out during parties but our relationship got worse as years past. The more you and me got together the more my life was getting unmanageable.  You were responsible of my blackouts, my depression, my low self esteem, my worries! I know that you and me will never ever be friends, it is just not possible. I tired to hang out with you by little doses, trying to control our friendship, but somehow we never make it. It ALWAYS ends up in a shitty situation! Always! Then again and again I feel like shite, I act stupid and never remember what we did. The next days are just HELL! I hate my self when we get back together. I try so bad to avoid you! But you are everywhere, fucking everywhere! And you are so easy to find! You enter in a restaurant, a bar, a store, at work, after works and you are there! My boyfriend and  most of my friends like you! The thing is, the friendship works with them.
I was able to ignore you for more then 100 days! I was so proud! I thought that we finally got over each other! I had accepted that we would never be friends! And you know what: I FELT GREAT without you! Did I miss you! At first I did think of you, but as the days passed the less you were in my thoughts. But on august 16 we met again. The boy and I had a fight, I felt like shite, abandoned…and what did i do, I ran to you! And we reunited again! As soon as I tasted you i wanted more and more and more! And like every time we meet the night was a disaster! A FUCKING DISASTER! I tend  to find you when I feel low. The things is that you help me numb my emotions/feelings. I am a person who over thinks all the time! And when we hang out, it stops for a while, but the consequences are really not worth it. I know it! I try so hard to avoid you! Really!
And you know what I hate also about you? That you are a drug! You are responsible for so many deaths but because of the money you generate to the governments you are tolerated.

9 thoughts on “An honest letter

  1. I was hoping you’d post again soon, I’d been wondering how you were doing. I had a bit of a wobble tonight, started wondering why I ever stopped drinking… I really needed to read this so thank you. Powerful writing.

  2. Incredible letter! Reading it I could really see how it’s really like a bad relationship (like so many I have had with men) but worse because as you say it’s everywhere and most of your friends like it and can handle it. I think this gives me even more power in my resolve to say “I don’t drink”. I was talking with my friend just today about how I have decided that I don’t drink anymore and she started to say – well you still can, just blah blah blah and I stopped her and said NO – I’m DONE!!! I don’t want it in my life anymore – final, period! It has been the cause of so much heartache in my life and I don’t want to go there anymore.

  3. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling but I really, really thank you for sharing this. At 128 days I have had those niggling thoughts of going back or drinking ‘just one time’ or ‘was it really that bad’, as I’ve posted about recently. This was such a powerful reminder for me that even after 100+ days it wouldn’t be any different because I’ve felt all those things you do in the past. Use this to strengthen your toolbox and resolve. What are the big lessons for you here? What can you do different next time? Now get back on the horse and start riding! You clearly know what the best choice for you is when it comes to booze. HUGS. xo

  4. Christina-We’re learning as we go. I have certain events in my life that I have to revisit from time to time to strengthen my purpose. Thanks for your honesty and sharing.

  5. I am sorry that’s its been hard and thank Yy for this letter. That’s exactly how, I feel about it. Than damn voice doesn’t go away, it gets quieter, but it seems to always be there. Even for me, several years sober and it whispers speradicly. I taking as my reminder, that I still can’t drink! Yep it was a nightmare. But good to see you back! Hope you pick up writing some more. Hugs.

  6. Pingback: I’m Breaking Up for GOOD!! | Lose 'da Booze

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