Was reading Simpsonsister post “Third Time is a Charm” this afternoon and I really related to her post!
I first tried to quit in April 2010, entered the AA rooms and was able to stay sober for 1 year and 3 months. I tried hard to be in the move, trying to understand the steps, etc etc….Unfortunately I started to have a glass of wine here and there until it all got out of control again. Since June 2011 I have been on and off. I had at least 10 huge releases, that involved big black outs, depression. I even entered psychiatric hospital and was forced to take some time off work (1 month) and had to be followed by a psychiatrist once a week. Before entering hospital I had experienced a hard core drinking night and for the first time in my drinking career I continued drinking the next day, finishing all the liquors I had at home. I thought of ending my life because I just could not see any solutions. I was admitted to hospital because I had very dark thoughts. I started therapy, the doctor never told me that I could not drink, he always told me that someday I would be able to control my drinking, so of course relapses were still frequent but in my mind it was OK because I could talk about it to my therapist. I stopped seeing him last December I just did not want to waste my time anymore. I felt so alone and misunderstood! My mind would just never leave me alone, “oh you can drink but just one glass, your not a REAL alcoholic”, “if you really had a problem with booze you would just drink everyday” “you just drink once every blue moon” etc etc! My mother (who is an alcoholic and sober for 20 years) always told me, as long as I don’t accept the fact that alcohol will be a problem in my life, I cannot move forward. I had to experience a hard relapse 60 days ago to question myself once again. It was while walking in the mountains that I had this idea of sharing my experience in a blog. Even if it interested no one it could maybe help me. Putting thoughts and feeling in words has been the best therapy that never happened to me. Discovering this sober blogging, reading all those stories and entering the 100 day challenge made me realize that:
1- I am not alone in this shite
2- There is a way out
3- ACCEPT that I will NEVER EVER be able to touch a drop again
It is hard to say to myself that I will not be able to have a nice glass of wine or champagne but that is THE ONLY way out. ACCEPTING is the best thing to do. Step 1 says: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable”. That sentence finally makes sense to me. When we accept that, we are winning half the battle. I cannot promise today that I will never touch a drop but today I can say that I ACCEPTED that alcohol and I will NEVER EVER be friends. Thank you Simpson Sister for you post that was real inspiration. Thank you Belle for the 100 day challenge and everything else.