and the family in all this…

The first time I understood that alcohol was a problem, I was 6 years old. My mother is an alcoholic. She has been sober for 20 years now, thank god! We have an amazing mother and daughter relationship! This disease made us stronger that is for sure. Nevertheless it took some years of my youth and naiveté (I don’t know if this is english, my native language is french)! I remember bits of this dark period. How my mother would get up in the morning, as soon as my dad left, pick up a drink, get drunk until early afternoon then try to sober up before my father came back home. How many times did I pick her from the floor to put her in bed, checking every 30 mins if she was OK. She used to disappear for hours as I was waiting back home filled with anxiety, wondering if she would ever come back. I took care of my little brothers who were 2 and 5 at the time, protecting them of my mother’s illness. Still now, they don’t remember seeing my mum drunk. She got sober in summer 1994 after hitting rock bottom, my father had found her in a motel passed out. I will never know what was the conversation with my parents that afternoon but  the next day she entered rehab and never touched a drop again. If I am opening up on that subject is that when I was 6 I told to myself that NEVER EVER i would touch a drop of alcohol! It was the source of fights, fear, anxiety, shame, loss of control and so on! But I did not keep that promise. When my drinking started to get out of control, I told my self: “I am just like my mum. that is my destiny, just accept it”. For a while I was mad at her, saying that it was HER fault that I had become like her. I was filled with anger and interrogation. Why me?filled with self-pity! You know what, self-pity does not make you move forward and is not helpful what so ever. My mum’s story is DIFFERENT from mine. I don’t need to follow her footsteps in this disease. It took me 5 years to be able to say and write this. I do have a high intolerance towards booze! I am allergic to it but at 29 years of age I don’t want alcohol to control me! If one day I have kids I don’t want them to live what I lived! 

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6 thoughts on “and the family in all this…

  1. Really interesting post and sad to read about your experience with your mother – cant imagine what that must have been like. Maybe this is why you question whether you’re an alcoholic or not, because her problem was so obvious compared to yours?

    • Yes your are so right, that was one of the reason of my questioning! Yesterday I asked her if at my age she had the same relationship towards alcohol. She said no, she never had blackouts or any kinds of situation I have been in. Her alcoholism came out after having her third child. And that is why her story is different then mine. We all have our own story, we just need to find our own happy ending. Thanks for your comment as per usual always a pleasure to read you.

  2. Great post! I have struggled with this question for a long time and I finally came to terms with the fact that I am an alcoholic. I am still married, hold down a job and am a good mother (most of the time). But alcohol did have control over my life. I have heard that of you have to make rules in regards to alcohol, it is a problem. Not necessarily that one is an alcoholic but has a problem nonetheless. Either way, alcohol controlled aspects of my life and I didn’t like that.

    I am not the same as other alcoholics, I am ME. This is my journey and I choose to make it my own. Without alcohol.

    Cheers to you and your wanting your life and the lives of any future children to be different!

  3. Excellent post and kudos for having the courage to share it. I did not have to worry about my siblings or my parents as a young child. I can’t imagine what that was like for you. Being so grown up at such a young age and seeing what was happening with your mom. I admire your strength. Your story is certainly not your mother’s. You are you, and a VERY FINE YOU, I might add.

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