THE question!

The reason why I picked this title for my blog is pretty obvious. Where do I stand, in which “box” do I fit? This “little” question is the reason of so many hard nights, hard mornings, terrible hang overs, scary black outs and I could go on and on! I wish it could be clear in my mind:

Fitting in a box would be so much easier for my brain. It would just stop thinking and re thinking every little path, way to be able to control the binge drinking.

BOX 1: Alcoholic: 

Definition

Alcoholism or alcohol dependence is defined as “a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations.”

Description

Alcoholism is characterized by:

    • a prolonged period of frequent, heavy alcohol use.  I never drank frequently  or after a hangover
    • the inability to control drinking once it has begun. Oh I could agree on this one…
    • physical dependence manifested by withdrawal symptoms when the individual stops using alcohol. No, never had withdrawal or shaking in the morning.
    • tolerance, or the need to use more and more alcohol to achieve the same effects. My tolerance is pretty low towards booze I must say. 
    • a variety of social and/or legal problems arising from alcohol use. I have been is shitty situation but never had legal problem

After reading the above I don t feel I really fit the profile

BOX 2: Not alcoholic

No point of discussing on that one, that would mean: Being able to drink reasonably.80% of the time  THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE in my case.

so…

NO I don’t have the urge to start my day with a drink, NO I dont have the shivers or withdraw symptoms, NO I have not lost my job or family

BUT

YES I loose control when drinking, YES I have terrible blackouts, YES I feel guilty and shameful  after a night out, YES I loose all sense of responsibility, YES I get depressed for a few days, YES I kiss or sometimes have sex with random men, (I could go on and on with the list) YES I AM A MESS when I drink.

So where do I stand? Which box. I asked doctors that told me that I was not an addict, went to AA and felt I did not fit in, but on an other hand why do I feel so bad when drinking. How many times have I tried to control it. Yes I am able to enjoy 2 glasses of wines one night, but another times I will have NO control what so ever.

I think I just have to stop torturing my mind and understand that the definition of alcoholism may vary from one person to an other. Alcohol and I will never be friends! I will have to learn, find the right tools to just let go and fight my dark passenger’s voice! There is still a lot to be done. Dealing with the frustration, the social environment, the love of champagne or red wine….

D-19…

3d human with a red question mark

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6 thoughts on “THE question!

  1. I think the fact that you can’t control it when you do drink makes you an alcoholic. Sorry 😦 But you are on day 19? That’s so wonderful. I am looking to you for inspiration and motivation. I am the kind that can’t stop once I start, until either I just fall asleep or don’t have any left to drink. I don’t wake up with the shakes nor do I want a drink in the morning. But by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, my thoughts begin to focus on what I will have to drink when I get off work. I have never had legal troubles or lost my job because of my drinking. No one even knew I had a problem until I told them. Guess there are many types and varying degrees of an alcoholic. For me, I know I am one because I can’t stop. Nuf said! Keep blogging!

    • Thanks for your comment and support. While I was writing my post I was realising how vulnerable I am towards booze. Writing this blog and reading all of theses stories are really helping. Why did it take me so long to discover this world of sober blogging.

  2. As you know, I’ve been back and forth on this same issue myself. In the end I think if you’re worried about your drinking (which you obviously are) and you can’t really control your drinking once you start, then that is reason enough to quit. If you were this worried about your consumption of bananas then you’d just stop eating them wouldn’t you? x

  3. I could have written your post almost verbatim and I personally think it’s these ‘not tick the boxes’ details that keep us stuck in denial. All those things you listed,like the black outs, bad decisions, depression, shame, remorse – I feel them all too and they are a HUGE problem. So there’s your answer – it’s a huge problem you can’t control unless you don’t drink. End of story. So does the label even matter? What counts is the action you’re taking to improve your life. Reading your post helped me too today. Great work on those days and keep going xx

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