The reason why I picked this title for my blog is pretty obvious. Where do I stand, in which “box” do I fit? This “little” question is the reason of so many hard nights, hard mornings, terrible hang overs, scary black outs and I could go on and on! I wish it could be clear in my mind:
Fitting in a box would be so much easier for my brain. It would just stop thinking and re thinking every little path, way to be able to control the binge drinking.
BOX 1: Alcoholic:
Alcoholism or alcohol dependence is defined as “a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations.”
Alcoholism is characterized by:
- a prolonged period of frequent, heavy alcohol use. I never drank frequently or after a hangover
- the inability to control drinking once it has begun. Oh I could agree on this one…
- physical dependence manifested by withdrawal symptoms when the individual stops using alcohol. No, never had withdrawal or shaking in the morning.
- tolerance, or the need to use more and more alcohol to achieve the same effects. My tolerance is pretty low towards booze I must say.
- a variety of social and/or legal problems arising from alcohol use. I have been is shitty situation but never had legal problem
After reading the above I don t feel I really fit the profile
BOX 2: Not alcoholic
No point of discussing on that one, that would mean: Being able to drink reasonably.80% of the time THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE in my case.
NO I don’t have the urge to start my day with a drink, NO I dont have the shivers or withdraw symptoms, NO I have not lost my job or family
YES I loose control when drinking, YES I have terrible blackouts, YES I feel guilty and shameful after a night out, YES I loose all sense of responsibility, YES I get depressed for a few days, YES I kiss or sometimes have sex with random men, (I could go on and on with the list) YES I AM A MESS when I drink.
So where do I stand? Which box. I asked doctors that told me that I was not an addict, went to AA and felt I did not fit in, but on an other hand why do I feel so bad when drinking. How many times have I tried to control it. Yes I am able to enjoy 2 glasses of wines one night, but another times I will have NO control what so ever.
I think I just have to stop torturing my mind and understand that the definition of alcoholism may vary from one person to an other. Alcohol and I will never be friends! I will have to learn, find the right tools to just let go and fight my dark passenger’s voice! There is still a lot to be done. Dealing with the frustration, the social environment, the love of champagne or red wine….