My experience with AA

Before I start, please don’t get me wrong regarding the AA method. I have seen miracles in the rooms. It just did not suit me.
I first entered the rooms in April 2010 (wow already…) After one of my crazy nights, I just could not take it anymore and decided that something had to be done.  I really had no clue what was waiting for me, how it worked.  My first meeting was mixed and it was about sharing experiences. I sat down listening the story of a guy who was sober since 15 years or so. I related to some parts of his story. Anyway I felt relief, i was not alone. I did enjoy my thursday meeting. I never took a sponsor or did the steps, I just listened. Unfortunallty I was told several times: “You don’t have a sponsor? You are not doing the steps? Your not involved in anything?”  As time passed I felt that I was doing something wrong. I felt that if I was not doing the right things I would relapse. The AA says your are not suppose to judge well I felt judged. I still kept going to the thursday meeting but I did not enjoy it at all anymore. I arrived last minute and left as soon as the meeting was over, I avoided any conversations. The group was “old”. I was 25  with a few months of sobriety, the others were 40,50 and more with years and years of sobriety. They were too ridge in my opinion. I ended up resenting AA, any everything that had a to do with it. I left in May 2011. I had a boyfriend at that time that kept saying that AA was for alcoholics, that i had nothing to do there etc.. So, it did not help. He also told me that I did not have a drinking problem! Why did I believe him? I knew deep inside that I did have some sort intolerance to booze. With time I think that he did not accept to have a girl friend with a addiction. So…started to have one glass of wine here and there thinking I was controlling it. But controlling it is NOT having this inner  voice that wants more and more. And I could hear it. As time passed the voice was stronger until this night where I just said F*** IT, lets get pissed. And that s what I did. My dark passenger was out with all the vices: blackouts-agressive-depressed-horrible hangover.I had three big relapses during the summer 2011. And every relapse was just a mess. In a next post I will  give you more details. 
So, fall 2012 went back to the rooms, but this time I wanted to do it right, the sponsor, the steps going to meetings. I hated it! I did try to open up to my sponsor. But I never told her how much I did not like it. January 2012 HUGE relapse. Since then I never went back. I am trying to find my own way. Again AA is helping so many people but right now I just can’t imagine going back…

2 thoughts on “My experience with AA

  1. I went to AA 3 years ago and had a similar experience. I didn’t feel alcoholic enough, I didn’t want to do the steps, I didn’t feel comfortable sharing in meetings. I was happy to listen to other people though, that was helpful. I’ve heard some people on here speak very highly of it, so sometimes I wonder if meetings vary in different places? It’s hard to tell.

    • I m sure the experiences vary. I remember that once we had a girl (27 years old) visiting from California. Her meetings were full of young adults, with similar “binging” drinkers. And she just loved it.
      I like how you say “I didn’t feel alcoholic enough”. I felt the exact same way. Most of the people that surrounded me had lost or the jobs, or their families or just could’t start their day without a drink. I did not feel that way. As you very well said in your posts, I did not hit rock bottom. AND I DONT WANT to arrive to that point. I m already a mess when drunk…

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