My story

When did it all start? When did my drinking become a problem? Just let me tell you my story. I was 17 when I first tried alcohol, it was vodka orange, I did not get drunk, I just had a good time, danced alot and woke up with a little head-hack, at that time I did not know what was waiting for me. I started university, partied and drunk like most of my friends until my first blackouts. I did not worry and continued partying like everybody else. I could not imagine a party with no booze and not getting at least tipsy. Most of the time I was smashed and would wake up with a major hangover, but still go to school. By the age of 23, the blackouts were almost all the time. I remember one day waking up with a huge bruise on my leg and having no clue where the hell it came from. I just had no idea! I got a little scared by never enough to ask my self the question: Is your drinking normal?I remember one night I just was out of control yelling at a friend of mine, she told “Dude you have a problem go and get help, you are an alcoholic”. I told her she was crazy, that I was not an alcoholic, telling her I never drunk in the morning or everyday”. I finished uni and started my first job. I was sure that my drinking would get better and as I was an adult entering the “adult world” I would control it. TOTAL BULLSHIT. It got worse, all the occasion were good to party. Work-party-hungover-work that was my life for a two years- By now I got drunk most of the time, not remembering anything, making a fool of my self, sleeping with guys I just met. Everything was out of control.  On April 26th 2010 went partying I was such a pain and uncontrollable that my friends left, I don’t remember anything except gaining conscious in a taxi in the middle of nowhere with no handbag, no jacket and just my phone. Where did I leave it all? What happened? Total blur. I woke up the next day feeling like shite and decided that i needed help. I could not just continue like that, something bad would have to happen. That s the first time I pushed the doors of AA. At the beginning I love it, I felt understood and safe with those people. I never did the steps or had a sponsor but just listing would keep me sober. 1 years and 3 months I lasted. I went to meetings once a week but with time I did not relate anymore. I did not get the steps, the higher power. I started to ask the question again. Am I really an alcoholic? I never felt the need to drink in the morning, never had the withdraw symptoms, never lost a job or family because of booze. I left AA and never went back. For some people it works and I have seen it with my one eyes but for other it does not. In the city were I live, the groups was already of a certain age so the stories were not the same. Anyway in my mind I wasn’t like “them” anyway. After quitting for more the 15 months, i picked up a glass of wine and enjoyed it. Did not have an other one or wanted more. Great! I can control it. My boyfriend at that time always told me that as long I was fine in my head I could drink.I trusted him! I took two month until my uncontrolled drinking came back. It only happens when I go partying. I just can’ t stop.  1-2-3-4 glasses. Feeling the buzz coming! And before I know it, I v passed to the dark side! My dark passenger (as would say Dexter) is back, my old habits, the blackouts all is back. Since August 2011 I am struggling to stay sober…I have had a few too many relapses and was followed by a doctors but still can not manage to accept this side of me. I truly hope that sharing and keeping a blog will help me or anyone else.

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