“Sophrology is a structured method created to produce optimal health and well-being. It consists of a series of easy to do physical and mental exercises that, when practised regularly, lead to a healthy, relaxed body and a calm, alert mind. The exercises are called dynamic relaxation (relaxation in movement).
The first things people generally notice are: more restful sleep, improved concentration, fewer worries, increased self-confidence, and a feeling of inner happiness”
When you have a continuous roller coaster in your head, that your thoughts never stop, that you have a masters in making films in your head, this method can help. I have discovered sophrology two months ago! I needed something to clam down my emotions. My strong emotions lead to my desire to drink! And that was the reason of my last relapse. We must learn from every experience and you can fall 100 times as long as you get up 101 times! Anyway back to sophrology! This helps you canalize and accept your emotions while concentrating on your breathing. It helps concentrate on the present on NOW. Not yesterday not tomorrow! Have you ever tried to focus just on your breathing! I found it very difficult the first sessions. Your mind is constantly thinking, worrying! But I exercised and I can give my mind a break! I feel so relaxed after my weekly sessions. I was not a strong believer of all those soft methods, but I must say that this is a great experience. Concentrate on the present and only NOW!
It s been a while since my last post, I find it difficult to write since the relapse in August. I can not really explain why! I still read all your stories all the time! Anyway I did wanted to share something: My birthday this week-end!
My birthdays were synonym of….drinking and drinking again! Crazy parties! Where of course I never remembered the end of it! How sad it was to wake up feeling like shite the next day. Two years ago was just a super mess. It started at my place with a few friends, followed by drinks at a shot bar…followed by an after party in a acquaintances apartment. I ended up kissing this guy and going home with him, he was married and just had a kid. When you think it could not get worse…It did! I picked up the wrong leather coat. In this coat there were keys…car keys. That I lost…of course… The acquaintance had to call the garage to pull the car back to his place 60km away. And of course the locking system was all automatic so he had to change the WHOLE system. Of course I had to pay for it! 2000 euros! Which of course I did not have!
I have many stories like that! I should just think of them when I feel like drinking. Really it seems that when I pick up a drink I pick up all the mess with it!
Anyway this year it went super well. Went to London to see my little brother and one of my best friend. The boy also came along. It was a great day full of surprises. I felt so blessed to have all those people around! When everybody was having mojitos I was on sparking water. I felt super good and great. The only problem I encountered was the boy who was drunk or as he says: tipsy. He did not want to go home! I tried to explain to him that I was tired and I did not feel like going clubbing. The thing is that if I had continued I might have not had the strength to say no! I know the feeling he had! He felt frustrated because when you have a few (too many) glasses you are always up for some more party plus we were in London! He did not want to understand! It really upsets me to have a partner that is not very supportive! I felt bad because I was the one who wanted to go home! It s just that when you don’t drink you get tired earlier! This argument was really unnecessary! I wish the boy could just understand. I don’t think he really gets it! How important staying away from alcohol is important for me….Anyway 29 can only be a good year right!? Waking up the next morning feeling great was by far the best gift!
This is a letter i have been meaning to write for a long while, I need to express sincerely my feelings towards you. It will be harsh but honest. It s time for you to know. I HATE YOU! I wish i never ever met you, that you never entered my life. As a kid I already knew that you were bad, especially when you were hanging out with my mother! You almost fucked up my family! Thank god my mother was stronger and she was able to break up with you and forever.
I never thought that we would meet again, but we did. At first we had fun, hanging out during parties but our relationship got worse as years past. The more you and me got together the more my life was getting unmanageable. You were responsible of my blackouts, my depression, my low self esteem, my worries! I know that you and me will never ever be friends, it is just not possible. I tired to hang out with you by little doses, trying to control our friendship, but somehow we never make it. It ALWAYS ends up in a shitty situation! Always! Then again and again I feel like shite, I act stupid and never remember what we did. The next days are just HELL! I hate my self when we get back together. I try so bad to avoid you! But you are everywhere, fucking everywhere! And you are so easy to find! You enter in a restaurant, a bar, a store, at work, after works and you are there! My boyfriend and most of my friends like you! The thing is, the friendship works with them.
I was able to ignore you for more then 100 days! I was so proud! I thought that we finally got over each other! I had accepted that we would never be friends! And you know what: I FELT GREAT without you! Did I miss you! At first I did think of you, but as the days passed the less you were in my thoughts. But on august 16 we met again. The boy and I had a fight, I felt like shite, abandoned…and what did i do, I ran to you! And we reunited again! As soon as I tasted you i wanted more and more and more! And like every time we meet the night was a disaster! A FUCKING DISASTER! I tend to find you when I feel low. The things is that you help me numb my emotions/feelings. I am a person who over thinks all the time! And when we hang out, it stops for a while, but the consequences are really not worth it. I know it! I try so hard to avoid you! Really!
And you know what I hate also about you? That you are a drug! You are responsible for so many deaths but because of the money you generate to the governments you are tolerated.
Well please let me reiterate this: I HATE YOU. I NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. YOU ARE MY WORST NIGHTMARE!
I thought I was strong, I thought I had accepted but NO, i failed, I AM BACK on day 1, relapsed on friday night. Huge argument on friday night with the boy. I could not handle all the feelings, the questions in my head so i drank. I did not use the right tools. Right now I feel so low, so ashamed! I am so lost right now! I realized one thing while I was drinking: the fear to be abandoned! To fear of being alone….
Let’s be honest, I feared the AFTER 100 days challenge. I am the sort of person that when I have an objective I stick to it (well most of the time). As the days passed my fear was growing. I have a lot of difficulties with the “never ever” touching a drop. I know that alcohol is dangerous and that I will never be able to drink normally but I still…Anyway I wanted to share how I felt after the challenge:
- I did not rush for a glass of wine to reward myself
- I did not become a sport’s addict (I wish I had ;-) )
- I still have some ups and downs
- I still have emotional frustration
- I still wish I could have one drink
- I feel good and proud about myself. Waking up remembering all my nights is just PRICELESS
- I don’t have this frustration anymore. When I go out I automatically order a Schweppes (Went to Berlin this week-end and discovered an AMAZING drink that is sold in every bar-nightclub-café: Club Mate, if you ever have the chance to try it, it s a great alternative to soft drinks, much less sugar)
- I discover this great sober blogging that helps me daily, reading all your stories is the best therapy I have had in years. I should try to post more often though
- I picked up a hobby (thanks Belle), well a bit behind those days but I truly enjoy it. Think of actually taking photography class
So all in all my life with no booze not even one drink is much better! Let’s hope it s stays like this forever.
It’s been a while I have not posted anything and being away from the sober blog is not a good idea! First I have to be honest with all of you, I drank some beer thinking it was a non-alcoholic beer. I was at a music festival this week-end and I was super happy when I saw that they were serving non-alcoholic beer. I sometimes have one as an alternative to water or tonic water. So I asked the barmaid to be SURE it was with no alcohol, she said yes. So I drink the first sip and was like “wow Cardinal does a great job with those beers it’s really tastes like a real one” , after the second sip I realized it was actually a real beer. I gave the rest to my brother and went back to water! Felt guilty to have 2 sips but glad that I switched straight back to water. The things is I am glad I have been able to resist especially in situation where booze is all over the place! But I come to realize that I still have some issues with the forever ever. To have a 100 days challenge is OK because you have a finish line but the forever is harder. I know it’s One day at a time! But wolfie is still there and I am scared that one day the voice will be stronger. I can not go back to the guilt, the blackouts, the shame and so on! It is a constant battle! I constantly repeat to myself, that I CHOSE this path for a better life! And I have to respect it! One drink will never be possible for me! I accepted this! But it is hard…really hard!
I really don’t know how to start this post…but here it goes
Today I pictured myself enjoying a few glasses of champagne locked up in my apartment. Why locked up? Because if I stayed at home nothing bad could happen, worst case scenario would passing out on my couch.
But let’s face it, I would not stand still and then would like to go out and continue drinking.
I am aware that I will never be able to drink normally and accepted it but it is just the never again that sometimes is tough. Approaching the 100 days of being sober is great and I am super proud of it! But I am scared of “after 100 days”…
One day at a time right…