This book I read…on Baclofen

I just finished a book ( “The End of my Addiction”) written by a famous french cardiologist Olivier Ameisen who was an alcoholic, and a hard core one. He went to many rehab centers, tried all the medications possible, was followed by the most re known doctors, but nothing seemed to work for him. He was suffering from severe anxiety which he would calm by drinking heavily. This man was a genius! He really had everything going for him but alcohol destroyed it all. One day he finds an article talking about a medication that  treats spasticity but that was used to cure one case of cocaine addiction. He then did some research and decided to auto-medicate (no doctor wanted to follow this treatment) himself and see if it could help him.  Well it worked for the first time in his alcoholic life and for the first time the craving disappeared.  He was finally free from this addiction, his desire to drink just “left”him.

I had never heard of this medication before! Please do not get me wrong I am not saying this is a miracle treatment or the solution to everything. I just wanted to share this reading.

http://alcalc.oxfordjournals.org/content/40/2/147 (the first report Dr. Ameisen did).

Why do I think I can but I know I can’t?

What a paradox right? The story of my life! I know I can ‘t drink but I still do! Why is that? Well it s the mind of an addict! Some people can say it once and stick to it! How lucky! The weird thing is I seem to plan it! And when the idea comes to my head it just sticks around until i get it done! I always think that I can control it! I can stop! But as soon as I have the first sip I know that it is dangerous. Because one sip calls another one and another one…until BOOM, the whole cycle is back! What do you guys do in order to avoid the first sip??? One day at a time!

one day at at time

Today I m 30 and sober! No wild party, no craziness! I am happy!

Ok..30! Time to get it right …

It’s been almost a year I have not been in the sober blogging! And it s been too long! A little up date? Oh well…so so! Have I been drinking…YES! How many relapses? 7! The whole cycle again and again! It went downhill when the boy and I broke up! It was a difficult and sad! So what did I do, went on a bindge! Did I feel better? No! I still hate my self when drunk! And the next days are just as bad! All the self esteem just flies away- The questions that is hunting me is WHY? WHY do i keep doing it if it s bad for me? Am I a sort of masochist? It s been now 10 years since I first go my first experience in drinking! I tried to drink normally, it failed! It just got worse and worse! It s been 5 years since I first try to stop! Countless relapses! Is it a lack of strength and will? The only thing i know if i don’t stop something bad will happen! I am turning 30 very soon and i want this decade to be booze free! I want to say good bye to the 20’s and this is what I could say: “Ok 20’s I had my share of fun, partied a lot, done some crazy shit, did the experiences I needed!, but i am fed up! I had enough and I don t want any of this anymore! I am a grown responsible women who knows what she wants and what she deserves! BYE-BYE!” and this is what I would say to the 30’s “Well hello 30’s! At first I really did not want to meet you! I was pretty anxious to tell you the truth! I  always thought that when I would turned 30 I would be happily married, with a kid, have a nice little life with a job a liked! The date is approaching super fast and of course nothing turned out it like planned. The boy (who I thought would be Mr Right) and I broke up this summer, I really don’t like my job anymore and I am still battling with my wolfie (as Belle would say) , so NO WONDER  I did not want to meet you! But actually now, after trying to find the positives points: I am excited now because i can look at it in a different angle : It s a new decade, take the opportunity to do want YOU want! So 30’s I am happy to meet you and I hope that we will have a nice and un-bumpy ride, booze free!” Have you ever googled : “How to stop drinking”? I have countless times! And this is the first tip they give you: Make your intentions known Tell your family and friends that you’re trying to stop drinking alcohol and explain why. This way, you can share your successes with them, and they’ll understand why you’ve started turning down drinks or trips to the pub. Frequently reminding yourself and the people close to you why you want to stop drinking can help keep you on track, and may even encourage someone else to give up or cut down with you. So I am telling you out there, my last glass was on October 9th and I will try to do everything I possibly can not to pick up again! Namaste! C. XXOO

Sophrology…YES YES it helps:-)

“Sophrology is a structured method created to produce optimal health and well-being.  It consists of a series of easy to do physical and mental exercises that, when practised regularly, lead to a healthy, relaxed body and a calm, alert mind.  The exercises are called dynamic relaxation (relaxation in movement).

The first things people generally notice are: more restful sleep, improved concentration, fewer worries, increased self-confidence, and a feeling of inner happiness”

When you have a continuous roller coaster in your head, that your thoughts never stop, that you have a masters in making films in your head, this method can help. I have discovered sophrology two months ago! I needed something to clam down my emotions. My strong emotions lead to my desire to drink! And that was the reason of my last relapse. We must learn from every experience and you can fall 100 times as long as you get up 101 times!  Anyway back to sophrology! This helps you canalize and accept your emotions while concentrating on your breathing. It helps concentrate on the present on NOW. Not yesterday not tomorrow!  Have you ever tried to focus just on your breathing! I found it  very difficult the first sessions. Your mind is constantly thinking, worrying! But I exercised  and I can give my mind a break! I feel so relaxed after my weekly sessions. I was not a strong believer of all those soft methods, but I must say that this is a great experience. Concentrate on the present and only NOW! 

 

 

 

29 the age of serenity?

It s been a while since my last post, I find it difficult to write since the relapse in August. I can not really explain why! I still read all your stories all the time! Anyway I did wanted to share something: My birthday this week-end! 

My birthdays were synonym of….drinking and drinking again! Crazy parties! Where of course I never remembered the end of it! How sad it was to wake up feeling like shite the next day. Two years ago was just a super mess. It started at my place with a few friends, followed by drinks at a shot bar…followed by an after party in a acquaintances apartment.  I ended up kissing this guy and going home with him, he was married and just had a kid. When you think it could not get worse…It did! I picked up the wrong leather coat. In this coat there were keys…car keys. That I lost…of course…  The acquaintance had to call the garage to  pull the car back to his place 60km away. And of course the locking system was all automatic so he had to change the WHOLE system. Of course I had to pay for it! 2000 euros! Which of course I did not have! 

I have many stories like that! I should just think of them when I feel like drinking. Really it seems that when I pick up a drink I pick up all the mess with it! 

Anyway this year it went super well. Went to London to see my little brother and one of my best friend. The boy also came along. It was a great day full of surprises. I felt so blessed to have all those people around! When everybody was having mojitos I was on sparking water. I felt super good and great. The only problem I encountered was the boy who was drunk or as he says: tipsy. He did not want to go home! I tried to explain to him that I was tired and I did not feel like going clubbing. The thing is that if I had continued I might have not had the strength to say no! I know the feeling he had! He felt frustrated because when you have a few (too many) glasses you are always up for some more party plus we were in London!  He did not want to understand! It really upsets me to have a partner that is not very supportive! I felt bad because I was the one who wanted to go home! It s just that when you don’t drink you get tired earlier! This argument was really unnecessary! I wish the boy could just understand. I don’t think he really gets it! How important staying away from alcohol is important for me….Anyway 29 can only be a good year right!? Waking up the next morning feeling great was by far the best gift!

 

An honest letter

Dear Alcohol

This is a letter i have been meaning to write for a long while, I need to express sincerely my feelings towards you. It will be harsh but honest. It s time for you to know. I HATE YOU! I wish i  never ever met you, that you never entered my life.  As a kid I already knew that you were bad, especially when you were hanging out with my mother! You almost fucked up my family! Thank god my mother was stronger and she was able to break up with you and forever.

 

I never thought that we would meet again, but we did. At first we had fun, hanging out during parties but our relationship got worse as years past. The more you and me got together the more my life was getting unmanageable.  You were responsible of my blackouts, my depression, my low self esteem, my worries! I know that you and me will never ever be friends, it is just not possible. I tired to hang out with you by little doses, trying to control our friendship, but somehow we never make it. It ALWAYS ends up in a shitty situation! Always! Then again and again I feel like shite, I act stupid and never remember what we did. The next days are just HELL! I hate my self when we get back together. I try so bad to avoid you! But you are everywhere, fucking everywhere! And you are so easy to find! You enter in a restaurant, a bar, a store, at work, after works and you are there! My boyfriend and  most of my friends like you! The thing is, the friendship works with them.

 

I was able to ignore you for more then 100 days! I was so proud! I thought that we finally got over each other! I had accepted that we would never be friends! And you know what: I FELT GREAT without you! Did I miss you! At first I did think of you, but as the days passed the less you were in my thoughts. But on august 16 we met again. The boy and I had a fight, I felt like shite, abandoned…and what did i do, I ran to you! And we reunited again! As soon as I tasted you i wanted more and more and more! And like every time we meet the night was a disaster! A FUCKING DISASTER! I tend  to find you when I feel low. The things is that you help me numb my emotions/feelings. I am a person who over thinks all the time! And when we hang out, it stops for a while, but the consequences are really not worth it. I know it! I try so hard to avoid you! Really!

 

And you know what I hate also about you? That you are a drug! You are responsible for so many deaths but because of the money you generate to the governments you are tolerated.

Well please let me reiterate this: I HATE YOU. I NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. YOU ARE MY WORST NIGHTMARE! 

FUCK YOU!

 

i am still so weak

I thought I was strong, I thought  I had accepted but NO, i failed, I AM BACK on day 1, relapsed on friday night. Huge argument on  friday night with the boy. I could not handle all the feelings, the questions in my head so i drank. I did not use the right tools. Right now I feel so low, so ashamed! I am so lost right now! I realized one thing while I was drinking: the fear to be abandoned! To fear of being alone…. 

The after 100 day challenge

Let’s be honest, I feared the AFTER  100 days challenge. I am the sort of person that when I have an objective I stick to it (well most of the time). As the days passed my fear was growing. I have a lot of difficulties with the “never ever” touching a drop.  I know that alcohol is dangerous and that I will never be able to drink normally but I still…Anyway I wanted to share how I felt after the challenge:

–          I did not rush for a glass of wine to reward myself

–          I did not become a sport’s addict (I wish I had 😉 )

–          I still have some ups and downs

–          I still have emotional frustration

–          I still wish I could have one drink

BUT

–          I feel good and proud about myself. Waking up remembering all my nights is just PRICELESS

–          I don’t have this frustration anymore. When I go out I automatically order a Schweppes (Went to Berlin this week-end and discovered an AMAZING drink that is sold in every bar-nightclub-café: Club Mate, if you ever have the chance to try it, it s a great alternative  to soft drinks, much less sugar)

–          I discover this great sober blogging that helps me daily, reading all your stories is the best therapy I have had in years. I should try to post more often though

–          I picked up a hobby (thanks Belle), well a bit behind those days but I truly enjoy it. Think of actually taking photography class

So all in all my life with no booze not even one drink is  much better! Let’s hope it s stays like this forever.

This week-end…is it back to day 1?

It’s been a while I have not posted anything and being away from the sober blog is not a good idea! First I have to be honest with all of you, I drank some beer thinking it was a non-alcoholic beer.  I was at a music festival this week-end and I was super happy when I saw that they were serving non-alcoholic beer. I sometimes have one as an alternative to water or tonic water. So I asked the barmaid to be SURE it was with no alcohol, she said yes. So I drink the first sip and was like “wow Cardinal  does a great job with those beers it’s really tastes like a real one” , after the second sip I realized it was actually a real beer. I gave the rest to my brother and went back to water!  Felt guilty to have 2 sips but glad that I switched straight back to water. The things is I am glad I have been able to resist especially in situation where booze is all over the place! But I come to realize that I still have some issues with the forever ever.  To have a 100 days challenge is OK because you have a finish line but the forever is harder. I know it’s  One day at a time! But wolfie is still there and I am scared that one day the voice will be stronger. I can not go back to the guilt, the blackouts, the shame and so on! It is a constant battle! I constantly repeat to myself, that I CHOSE this path for a better life! And I have to respect it! One drink will never be possible for me! I accepted this! But it is hard…really hard!